Patterns and Similarities

June 19, 2016

As I’ve spent the past couple of years working with people and helping them
through the journey that is divorce, I’ve started to see patterns emerge.

As unique as every person is and as individual as every marriage is, there
really are similarities.

Unless you’ve actually been through a divorce before, you have no idea what
you are about to face… the lovely process that is divorce.

I don’t care how fabulous your lawyer is, they are not going to tell you
everything because it is just too much to deal with and again, unless
you’ve been through it…and they don’t see it from the eyes of the new
person that is facing having to deal with a divorce, with no understanding
of what that means. And who feels like their life is ending and their world
is imploding.

The actual ending of the marriage, the divorce paperwork, is the
easiest part. It’s everything that goes before it that’s difficult.

Too many people let things drag on too long for fear of rocking the boat
or not wanting to upset the other party too much. This seems to happen,
to be done by “nice” guys way too often. And they often end up losing a lot
because of handing things this way. Money and time with their kids are the
biggies. They just want to choose the option that appears easiest to deal with,
either just leaving things as they are, or even not dealing with them.

But what I have seen in the long run is the opposite.

Not making decisions, letting things go, not nailing down details creates
bigger problems the longer the situation goes on. And it creates a precedent
for not changing things.
If things have been okay like this for this long, why
do they need changing now? But they weren’t actually okay like that.  And
now it’s hard to go back and change it.

My advice is to find someone who understands what you are dealing with,
can help you understand what you need to pay attention to, and what the
consequences of the decisions and actions you are taking today are going to
have on your future. Find someone who can make sense of the insane world
you are dealing with at the moment. Who can help you sort through the
craziness you are dealing with.

At least then you will be making informed decisions.



There never seems to be enough time…

August 9, 2011

Wow…time flies when you’re having fun…
or when you’re not.


If there is ever a time when you’re not having fun
and the To Do list is endless, it’s when you are
dealing with your divorce.


It’s kind of like writing a blog; you think you have
all the time in the world, columns ready to go, all
your facts and figures together….and then WHAM!
All of a sudden, you are behind. And need information
fast. And you’re pulling your hair out trying to get back
on top of things so that you can move forward.

First of all, recognize that you are not alone. It just feels
that way in the wee hours of the morning as you have to
hunt for that elusive piece of paper that backs up your
NFP.  I find that lighting a scented candle, and playing
soothing music, the kind you find at spas, helps and can
keep you focused. And awake. Oh, copious amounts of
chocolate works too!


Everyone leaves the crappy jobs to last. And digging
through boxes of paperwork sucks. Especially if it’s old
and you haven’t got a clue what you’re really looking for.


Where this stuff will become a real issue is if you have
to produce it for your lawyer to attach to an affidavit
tomorrow.  And you may not even have a copy in the house.
You may need to go back to the bank or the city tax office or
an appraiser to get the right document you need.  That’s when
it REALLY sucks.


Something to keep in mind as you pull your documents
together.  And if you really feel all alone, Divorce Details can help.
I’ve been there, more times than I can remember. Nothing
like getting an email at 1 a.m. in the morning day before
court from a lawyer asking if I’m still up and can find something.
Lucky for them, I was.